Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Starhawk]

Meh I got a little chuckle out of this one

A preist a rabbi and a minister walk into a bar and order a beer.

The rabbi see's a fly in his bear and in a sad tone says "God must be punishing me" and raps his robe around his face and leaves weeping softly.

The minister sees a fly in his beer and says "Now I must ponder if this is a sign from God." and leaves the bar.

The preist sees a fly in his beer grimmaces reaches in to the beer and grabs the fly by the wings and with a strong Irish accent says "Spit it out or I'll excomunicate your arse!"

___________

The Scotsman
By Brian Bowers


A scotsman clad in kilt, left the bar one evening fair
One could tell by the way he walked he drank more than his share.
He fumbled 'round till he could no longer keep his feet
Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street

(chorus)
Ring-di-diddle-i-didi-o
Ring-di-diddle-i-o
(Last line of verse)

About that time two young and lovely girls happened by
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
See yon sleeping scotsman so proud and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt.

(chorus)

They crept up on that sleeping scotsman quiet as could be.
And lifted up his kilt just an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view, beneath his scotish skirt.
Was nothing more than god had graced him with upon his birth.

(chorus)

They marveled for a moment, one said we must be gone
Lets leave a present for our friend, before we move along.
They left a blue silk ribbon, tied into a bow
Around the bonny star the scots kilt did lift and show

(chorus)

The scotsman woke to nature's call, and stumbled towards a tree.
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees.
In a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
Och, lad I dont know where you've been but I see you've won first prize!

(chorus)

[David E. Gervais]

So this is the place for jokes and riddles eh? How about we all trade links for Online comic strips..

Me first, (Thanks to Rollo for this link)..

Hagar The Horrible

Enjoy!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

two calvin's:

http://www.reemst.com/calvin_and_hobbes/?page=day
http://www.ucomics.com/calvinandhobbes/

[Fyron]

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.


Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and
a diet coke.


Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens
to the counters.


Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.


Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.


Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.


EVER WONDER ...


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't
they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are t hey called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[Wardad]

oh no.....
don't let Narf see that list...

[narf poit chez BOOM]

If birds fly, why don't fly's bird?

The wing is on the bird, no that's absurd, the bird is on the wing.

I can fly higher than a beagle...

[Wardad]

(This was written by a black man in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!)

When I born, I black,

when I grow up, I black,

when I go in sun, I black,

when I cold, I black,

when I scared, I black,

when I sick, I black,

and when I die, I still black.




You white folks......

when you born, you pink,

when you grow up, you white,

when you go in sun, you red,

when you cold, you blue,

when you scared, you yellow,

when you sick, you green,

when you bruised, you purple,

and when you die, you gray,

So who you callin' 'colored folks'????

[Wardad]

A man went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. First thing the dentist says to him, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

The man replies, "No, please don't do that! I'm terrified of needles!"

The dentist said, "Okay, I'll use the gas to put you to sleep."

The man says, "No, you can't do that, either. I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Hang on a minute, I'll go look for something else."
After a bit, he came back with a couple of pills.

The man asks, "What kind of pills are these?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "What? Will they help with the pain?"

The dentist said, "No, they won't do s**t for pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your damn tooth."

[tesco samoa]

http://www.updater.co.uk/

do not click on this unless you like swear words...

[Wardad]

Several New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ***.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine (but not White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals, looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanation required-everyone just KNOWS what happens there.

----------------------------------------------
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.