Ye New Galactic Bar & Grill & Phong's Head Cantina - After Hours

[dogscoff]

Oh, and the person who lost his keys to his collectors-item-spaceship was me. Now I have to buy another ship as a replacement. A good ship is hard to fing these days. Has someone got a nice ship. Preferably with fluffy dice on the back mirror.

*dogscoff flips the keys to his own cruiser to Timstone.

In light of the massive galaxy-wide success of Kick-o-matic Bill Gates autocloners (and the predicted sales figues of the planned George Bush Clones, Jean Marie le Pen clones and so on) I have been awarded a massive bonus by Tigg-Scoff plc. Having bought my company cruiser outright, I can afford to give it to Timstone with cash left over for a little something I've had my eye on ever since I Last spoke to Puke:



My very own battlemoon. Put down a hefty deposit and got the rest on credit. It's over 3000km in diameter and it has it's own subterranean ocean & laboratory for me to breed new strains of giant sea monsters, a 5000 cubic kilometre core-mount brewery (the continent-sized horns are all beer storage) a huge array of hideous weaponry (of course) and various other little luxuries, including a personal accomodation suite the size of Brazil and an adjoining area as big as Chile with temples, bars and other attractions designed to attract wandering Valkyries.

Oh, and you should hear the stereo...

Incidentally, the monkey has also been given a hefty bonus for his participation in the Gates autoclone trials, and apparently plans to buy something a little extravagant of his own. Probably involving peanuts.

[ September 09, 2002, 15:10: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Growltigga]

Growltigga, as proprietor maximus of the cantina, and as CEO emeritus of Tigg-Scoff PLC, hereby awards his faithful and productive minion Dogscoff with a hefty bonus but reminds said menial that senior middle management IS NOT entitled to Battlemoon class vessels., whether in a work related or private capacity

Only senior management is allowed to operate anything larger than a battleship.

By the way, I have just developed a new olympic sport of swingball to be used for the Bill Gates/George Bush and Eminem clones, the difference being that the eLastic for the swingball (which is actually a chainsaw) is one of Dermot's tentacles!!

[ September 09, 2002, 16:11: Message edited by: Growltigga ]

[mac5732]

Welcome back GT, I see your excursion into headhunter country was most fruitful and involved numerous chances to imbib upon the local populous beverages. I hope the beach bunnies you mentioned in those small, tight, uniforms were not the type that were hanging from one of the locals head poles Indeed Dogscoff behaved quite decently in regards to upholding your tradition of mayhem and cartoon violence within the cantina along with the other members, The pygmies were most intrusive within the inner sanctum but they were dispatched most pleasantly within the confines of said location, Taz had to hire some outside cleaning companies to cleanse the walls, floor and ceiling of their left behind debris after their demise, Now if only those hanging freshners could be equally addressed, the inner sanctum will once again be the place where one can enjoy the solitude of righeous contemplation while engrossed upon the duties of ones anatamy.....

PSS(ssshhhh, Like El Scof said, do not, I say again, do not in any way mention ("THE ONION")

just some ideas Mac

[ September 09, 2002, 18:13: Message edited by: mac5732 ]

[DirectorTsaarx]

Just to inject some UNIX humour and current events into the Cantina:

Seen on a T-Shirt in Washington, DC:

"rm -r /bin/laden"

We now return you to your regularly scheduled cartoon violence...

[Puke]

you may purchase such a shirt, and other geek paraphanalia, at www.thinkgeek.com

[dogscoff]

Ummm... update. Tell me if I miss anything ppl...

We have updated the auto clone killer to (mostly ) ignore the new Tigg-scoff stress relief product, which is a Bill Gates clone-o-matic in the corner, near the door. It automatically replaces the tethered Gates clone which can be violently assaulted for a small fee. (about 5 minerals per hour, I think.) This feature is staffed by a trained monkey who takes fees and tethers replacement clones as they arrive.

Another new installation is a mini resource converter change machine in the corner, which will take any organics or radioactives (for example a dismembered gates clone, T-Rex poo or Cajun fried tribble wings) and turn them into minerals. For a conVersion fee, of course.

There was a little trouble in the gents toilets when someone installed a few hundred pine scented thingies. The resident pygmy worshippers of the Porcelain God got upset, and eventually had to be brutally massacred. These things happen. The Fecal deity himself made an appearance but was soon bought off.

Everyone's trying to sell their ship at the moment for some reason, except Puke who just bought a vomit- themed battlemoon.

Oh yeah, and I summoned a 300 metre long giant squid (Dermott's big brother) to help out when someone locked themsleves out of their cruiser. After opening the cruiser the only way he knew how and then destroying half the city in the obligatory Godzilla-style rampage, Ruraigh was reunited with his brother courtesy of the city's elite Sea Monster Urban Response Force (SMURF).

Finally, Barry committed the ultimate no-no and ate (ie ingested ) a FBW. A little inpromtu laser surgery sorted that little situation out, and now Barry and the FBW are both recovering nicely. Barry's especially happy now that he has a ticket to get into the T-ReXXX dino strip club upstate.

Oh, also: Atrocities has lost a cute cuddly razor sharp man eating psycho-kitten somewhere in the Cantina, and whatever you do, don't mention The Onion.

*A trap door in the ceiling opens above Dogscoff's head and he is inexplicably buried by falling onions...

[ September 09, 2002, 12:32: Message edited by: dogscoff ]

[Ragnarok]

Originally posted by Puke:
you may purchase such a shirt, and other geek paraphanalia, at www.thinkgeek.com

Well we can see where Puke spends his time.... just joshin ya man..

[TerranC]

what's so wrong with the ONION?

If you live where there is a chili's near you, you ever try one of those desert flower ONION appetizers?

I thought some people used ONION to get substances out of their eyes.

It's hard to imagine an ONION-prejudiced world, but here you all are, sterotyping ONIONs because of a stupid satirical faux-paper called the ONION.

Yeesh, what a bunch of ONIONs.

[Puke]

after the trapdoor in the ceiling opens, burying TerranC under a delugh of [noun censored], pukes conscripted army of miniturized FBW clones parades out and hauls TerranC off like Gulliver being tormented by the lilliputians.

Shortly later, a beer-battered, deep-fried, flayed, "TerranC Blossom" is brought fourth from the kitchen. The TCB blinks inexplicably, and the local [noun censored] conisoures all help themselves to a slice.

"hmmm, too gammey. probably hasnt been hung long enough"

[dumbluck]

Through the muffled sounds from up above of much thrashing and knashing of teeth, one can just make out the insane gibberish of dumbluck's irreconcilably twisted mentality. And if one listens carefully, and pays close attention, small bits of actual words, sometimes even phrases, can be made out. Among them:

"Dinosaur..."
"Got my cruiser back..."
"Pretty, talking bunnies..."
"Big Gun..."
"Got my cruiser back..."
"Bang, Bang!..."

If inquiries are made, the FBWs will just shake their heads saddly and mumble something along the lines of, "We had to lock him up in the attic. Poor guy, must be all the stress of running an empire by yourself..."