Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Wardad]

A lousy excuse for grabing the 700 post!!!

Worker rewarded for getting drunk on the job

March 31 2004 at 02:01AM

Rio De Janeiro - A Brazilian man has won increased compensation from a brewery after 20 years as a taster made him an alcoholic.

Master Brewer Bernd Naveke, 49, drank around eight litres of beer every working day while at the Brahma Brewery near Rio de Janeiro.

He was forced to leave his job after becoming a registered alcoholic and hasn't worked since.

In the original case he was awarded $30 000 (about $180 000) and a monthly pension for life equal to his old salary of $2 600.

During the original case, the court ruled the company couldn't appeal the outcome, but Naveke appealed on the grounds the compensation wasn't enough. Now a court in Rio has ordered the brewery to pay him $2-million, according to O Globo.

"I had to drink up to eight litres of beer a day and I left work drunk every day," Naveke said. - Ananova.com

[ April 04, 2004, 20:35: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[Wardad]

From the Daily Times (Pakistan)

http://www.dailytimes.com.pk/default...8-3-2004_pg9_5

Doc backs nose picking

[ April 04, 2004, 20:35: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[narf poit chez BOOM]

What's green and goes 200mph up your nose?

[Wardad]

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
What's green and goes 200mph up your nose?

No Wait!!!
Don't tell me!!!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Originally posted by Wardad:

quote:

---

Originally posted by narf poit chez BOOM:
What's green and goes 200mph up your nose?

No Wait!!!
Don't tell me!!!

---

LAMBORGREENI!

[narf poit chez BOOM]

I am Ohm of Borg. Resistance is E/I.

[Wardad]

Snappy Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he Opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, But couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,"No ma'am,they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Here's your sign

Snappy Answer #5 - THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised! his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Snappy Answer #6 - One 6 Year Old. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class,"And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy s**t! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

[Wardad]

The Good - The Bad - The Ugly
It Can Always Be Worse

___________________________
1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

_____________________________
2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

_____________________________
3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

________________________________
4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

____________________________
5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

______________________________
6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

___________________________
7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

_____________________________
8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

________________________________
9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

__________________________________
10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

_________________________________________

[geoschmo]

Worthwhile advice

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, “Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Corporate Lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?” Once again the priest apologized “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, “Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.”

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one. “ “Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.


Corporate Lesson 4

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.


Corporate Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

[Wardad]

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.