Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Wardad]

Deep Thoughts for Children
Friday, March 1, 2002
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."...

I believe you should live each day as if it is your Last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the Last day of their life? -- Age 15

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! -- Age 6

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. -- Age 7

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. -- Age 15

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. -- Age 5

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. -- Age 15

[Wardad]

With all the sadness going on in the world at the moment, it is worth pausing to reflect on the death of a legendary musician, which almost went unnoticed Last week.



Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peaceably at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him in the coffin. They put his left leg in . . . and then the trouble started.

[rdouglass]

Why you should NEVER put your photo on the web:

http://www.smlinks.com/sotw/why/

[Wardad]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351 "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

================================================== ==========

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

================================================== ==========

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing

bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

================================================== ==========

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the

little Fokker in sight."

================================================== ==========

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting

to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your Last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

================================================== ==========

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out

after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right

turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take

the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to

the airport."

================================================== ==========

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing

because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a

B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

(FYI-B-52 has eight engines)

================================================== ==========

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and

returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A

concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the

problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the

flight attendant "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

================================================== ==========

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the

following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane in a beautiful British accent): "Because

you lost the bloody war."

================================================== ==========

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after

we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact

Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we

copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

================================================== ==========

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of

the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned

around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in

the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real

zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll

have enough parts for another one."

================================================== ==========

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the

following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways

747, callsign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway"

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The PA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been

to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I

didn't land."

================================================== ==========

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a

United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air

crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? ! I told you

to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right

there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D,

but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever

to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I

want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell

you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent

after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging

the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every

cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Ed Kolis]

A statistician gave birth to a son who weighed 8 1/2 ounces. She named him Max. But this statistician happened to be a Vietnamese immigrant, and her relatives in Vietnam were angry, saying things like "Why did you not give him a good Vietnamese name, hmm?" So when she had her second child, a premature girl weighing 4 ounces, she named her Min.

A few years after Min was born, the statistician again became pregnant. She gave birth to twins - a girl who weighed 10 ounces and a malnourished-looking little boy weighing only 2 ounces. What did she call them?

...

...

...

Answer: Outliers! (Since one was bigger than Max and the other was smaller than Min )

[narf poit chez BOOM]

http://www.overduemedia.com/archive.aspx?strip=20020819

[Randallw]

Originally posted by Ed Kolis:

Answer: Outliers! (Since one was bigger than Max and the other was smaller than Min )

Either its a US joke, or it refers to a graph.

[Member 4148]

math joke statistics
no graph needed to understand
but useful anyway

[Loser]

Whoa there, 4148 (24601?), how'd you do that clever bit in your signature?

[Renegade 13]

Speaking of your sig, 4148, is the ISP in your sig your actual ISP?? The hwy16.com part? Because my ISP is hwy16.com, and I was wondering if you lived in my area?? (I live close to Fort Fraser, British Columbia, Canada)

Just curious.