The Race to Insanity and Beyond!

[kerensky]

This forum is really jumping fast. It gained 40 whole posts since I was on yesterday!

[kerensky]

Obligatory second post....

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Extremly funny thing from the Baen forums:

Subject: H2G2 Entry - Australia
Author: Robert Cox
Date: 04 Mar 2005 08:29 AM
Credit goes to Orinoco at the BBC's H2G2 site.
****

/Australia/

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the
bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many
unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite
taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep
into the surrounding sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an
accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, but they still call it
the 'Great Australian Bight' proving that not only are they covering up
a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the
place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as
either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.

/Wildlife/

The second confusing thing about Australia are the animals. They can be
divided into three categories: poisonous, odd, and sheep. It is true
that of the ten most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has
nine of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the
nine most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there
are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them
all. But even the spiders won't go near the sea (see below). Any
visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them
on) under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere
else. A stick is very useful for this task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the odd) that are
more dangerous. The creature that injures the most people each year is
the common wombat. It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends
its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the
night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.

The wombat injures people in two ways: first, the animal is
indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles
that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the
roads. Semi-trailers (road trains) have hit them at high speed, with all
nine wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They
express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller
cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical high-speed launching pad, with
results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.

The second way the wombat injures people relates to its burrowing
behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a wombat hole, the
wombat will feel the disturbance and think 'Ho! My hole is collapsing!'
at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of
its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse. Any
unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause
the wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed
to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from
seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known
way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the platypus, estranged relative
of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays
eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and
has venemous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all
'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

/History/

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a
short history: some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in
boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them
died. The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature,
man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled
in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent over, with a few deranged
and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn
(failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from
the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot
of them died. About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever
since.

It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider
themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they
can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilized culture, they
say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left
in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on an extended
holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused
by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a
person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the
core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of
checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also
picked up the most finely-tuned sense of irony in the world, and the
Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

And then...

There is also the matter of the beaches.

Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world.
Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend
with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the
bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs
sticking out of its back that will kill you just from the pain) and
surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk of all
of these.

/Aussies/

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would
expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly,
cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger,
unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and
impossible problems, they smile disarmingly, and reach for a stick.
Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated
iron, string, and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is
greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim
that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the
land 'Oz', 'Godzone' (a verbal contraction of 'God's Own Country') and
'Best bloody place on earth, bar none, strewth'. The irritating thing
about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveller, though. Do not
under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you
are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a
Hawaiian shirt. Religion and politics are safe topics of conversation
(Australians don't care too much about either) but sport is a minefield.
The only correct answer to 'So, howdya' like our country, eh?' is 'Best
[insert your own regional swear word here] country in the world!'.

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will
'adopt' you, and on your first night will take you to a pub where
Australian beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse. It
is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an
astonishing hangover, a foul taste in your mouth, and wearing strange
clothes. Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and wave off
any legal difficulties with 'It's his first time in Australia, so we
took him to the pub', to which the policeman will sagely nod and close
his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other
Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and
noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this
unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dewllers, having discovered the primary
use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

/Typical Australian Sayings/

G'Day!

It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

She'll be right.

And down from Kosiosco, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and
rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear is crystal, and the
white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And
where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes,
and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household
word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride.

/Tips to Surviving Australia/

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever.

We mean it.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think
it is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning.

Do not attempt to use any Australian slang, unless you are a trained
linguist and good in a fistfight.

Thick socks.

Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are
people nearby.

If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at
all times, or you will die.

Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is
always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

/See also: Deserts: How to die in them, The Stick - second most useful
thing ever and Poisonous and Venomous arachnids, insects, animals,
trees, shrubs, fish and sheep of Australia, volumes 1 - 42./

--
Robert Cox
smeghead_76@dodo.com.au
"Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up
with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician
was the Man; he had the Vote."
-- Discworld politics explained (Terry Pratchett, Mort)

[NullAshton]

Is that supposed to be a joke or something?

[RudyHuxtable]

I move to strike all funniness from this thread. I think this should be turned into a serious discussion about the actual race that is currently underway to reach 1000 posts.

[NullAshton]

I second this proposal. All in favor say aye.

[NullAshton]

Anyone in support?

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Nay.

[RudyHuxtable]

Anyone other than Narf?

[TerranC]

Nay.