Jokes and Riddles Centre

[mottlee]

Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Kathy.
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal
prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage,low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching,whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out--way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do
love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Kathy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But,if I was going to give this thing to Kathy to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no
friggin' way!" Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,"don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is likehindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly
thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-gun that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Someone already posted that somewhere.

[Raging Deadstar]

narf poit chez BOOM said:
Someone already posted that somewhere.

The strangest thing is It was him who posted it somewhere first

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Oh. I really must remember st...Uh, what were we t...HEY, WHO ARE YOU AND W...I want a banana.

[Kamog]

narf poit chez BOOM said:
Oh. I really must remember st...Uh, what were we t...HEY, WHO ARE YOU AND W...I want a banana.

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[TurinTurambar]

Blonde Joke

(Haven't read the whole thread.. hope this isn't a repeat...)

A blonde woman is walking down a country road one day past many empty, freshly-plowed fields. Lost in non-thought, she suddenly looks up upon hearing a strange grunting noise coming from the field to her right.

Out in the middle of this field is a woman in a rowboat; sweating, grunting, rowing furiously to no avail. And yes, she's blonde too.

Now the first blonde is outraged. She's been taking crap about her hair color for a long time. She rushes across the ditch to the fence surrounding the field, pulls up short and starts screaming at the "living insult" in the row-boat:

"How dare you!? You are an idiot! It's blonds like you who make it so hard for the rest of us! Because of people like you I've actually thought seriously about dying my hair! You should be beaten senseless for what you're doing...."

"... and if I could swim.... I'd come out there and KICK YOUR ***!!"

Turin

[Randallw]

A Blind man walks into a bar full of women and sits down. As it is a womens only bar he is given a lot of glances. He sits down and orders a beer. The Waitress behind the bar gives it to him. He then asks all and sundry if they want to hear a blond joke. The waitress says to him
"First I am a BLond woman. The woman next to you, who weighs 300lbs is blond. Next to her is a 3 times world wrestling champion who is also Blond. Next to her is a blond womens karate champion. Now do you still want to tell that BLond joke?"
"Not if I have to explain it 4 times"


Another man walks into his office and starts to hang upside down from the ceiling. His blond secretary asks him what he is doing.
"I'm a lightbulb" he answers.
eventually the boss walks by and sees the employee hanging from the ceiling.
"Whats he doing?" he asks the secretary.
"He thinks he's a lightbulb" she replies.
"You're mad" he screams at the employee "Go home". To which the man comes down from the ceiling and starts to leave. The blond starts to follow him.
"Where are you going?" the boss asks the secretary.
"Well I can't do any work without any light"

[Atrocities]

True Story:

The boss, a blond women, leaves to go work on the new computer for a while. She says she will be back by lunch. Lunch comes and goes and no Boss. The day finally comes to and end and still no boss. Being curious we go look for her.

We find her sitting at the computer clicking the print button. "Laurie what are you doing?"

"This computer won't print out."

"Um thats because the printer is a DOT MATRIX printer and does not work with this computer."

So we go to the print room and find that she has printed the printer out of paper. Some 1,000 sheets of nothing but blond jokes.

I sware that this is a true story.

[Randallw]

Two chickens are standing on the side of the road. One chicken on each side. The first chicken shouts out to the other

"HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE?"

to which the second chicken replies

"YOU'RE ALREADY ON THE OTHER SIDE YOU IDIOT!"

[Renegade 13]

The Darwin Awards (person who manages to eliminate their pathetic genes from the gene pool in the most idiotic manner, preferably before procreating)

The Winner! *

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

And now, the Honorable Mentions:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulaweyo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him.
The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!"

Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.

and A 5-STAR DARWIN AWARD WINNER!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.