Jokes and Riddles Centre

[Randallw]

Ok I am familiar with the Darwin awards (I have both books) and the winner clearly counts, however none of those honourable mentions should even be considered as the people aren't killing themselves or removing their genes from the population. The closest is if the chef had removed his ability to procreate rather than his finger. The bloke siphoning sewage, apart from being an urban legend, isn't even killed, unless he choked to death (I'll have to check my book). They're funny ofcourse but don't fit the requirements.

[douglas]

That's why they're Honorable Mentions and not actual Darwin Awards.

[Renegade 13]

I don't know Randallw, I just took these from an email my uncle sent me. They're still amusing, so even though they don't quite fit the criteria, I felt they could still be included.

[Randallw]

ah don't mind me I'm just being pedantic. As I said I find the Darwin awards very funny. I guess I was trying to be the resident Darwin award expert

http://www.darwinawards.com/

[Renegade 13]

Two peanuts walked into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
start anything."

A dyslexic man walks into a rab.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A
beer please, and one for the road."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married. The ceremony wasn't
much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste
funny to you?"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

[Renegade 13]

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race...you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework...you're gay.
If you work too hard...there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough...you're a good-for-nothing lazy pr**k.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay...this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay.....you should get off
your lazy *** and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her...that is favouritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you......it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks......it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet ..........it's male indifference.
If you cry............you're a wimp.
If you don't....................you're an insensitive bast**d.
If you make a decision without consulting her.........you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you......she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy....... that's domination.
If SHE asks you.........it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear......you're a
pervert.
If you don't..............you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape...........you're
sexist.
If you don't...............you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape................you're vain.
If you don't ...........you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers.............you're after something.
If you don't.................you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements........you're full of sh*t.
If you're not ....................you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache............she's tired.
If you have a headache.............you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often.........you're oversexed.
If you don't................there must be someone else.

Men die first because they want to.

[Starhawk]

LOL I Agree with that entirely! women are a pain in the ***, and we love them for it, but not so much as to want to stay alive in a world full of them for 150 years

[Ed Kolis]

How do you tell a fundamentalist Christian terrorist from a fundamentalist Islamic terrorist?

The Christian terrorist yells "the great SANTA dies today" as he blows himself up in front of a secular Christmas display

[Starhawk]

Ed Kolis said:
How do you tell a fundamentalist Christian terrorist from a fundamentalist Islamic terrorist?

The Christian terrorist yells "the great SANTA dies today" as he blows himself up in front of a secular Christmas display

Not funny.....

[rdouglass]

This Darwin has been my favorite for a long time now:

In San Jose, California, Herman, an avid hunter, used the butt of his shotgun to bash his girlfriend's windshield during an argument. But his loaded gun accidentally discharged into his stomach, killing him and ending the argument.