Starhawk writes: "I don't know how far you guys would take before being offended and I don't want to offend any of you guys."
It's no doubt unintentional, but here Starhawk seems more like a marketer than an author. One of the best aspects of fiction is that an author can use/invent societies that he/she does not necessarily admire. The novel "1984" is an excellent example. I think most of us on this board are smart enough to recognize this and not condemn an author for including unsavory characters, politics, etc.
On the other hand, it's a good bet that somebody, somewhere will be offended by ANYTHING, so the only way to avoid all offense is to write nothing (which by the way would probably offend other people, including me!)
#2 Gore - I don't know Shrapnel's policies with regard to fiction on its boards. I'd say anything within those standards is OK. Gratuitous sex/violence is boring, but horrific descriptions can be a great way to explain character motivations. If Shrapnel is too restrictive, an author can always get a web site from a less inhibiting provider.
#3 Tech "wank" - BTW, that term offends me!
I'm a Space Empires player and long-time sci fi fan, so weird pseudo-tech doesn't bother me. In general, however, it's probably best to be non-specific where possible. Instead of giving an exact mass for an SD, for example, perhaps it could be described as "three times the size/mass of our largest dreadnought." Instead of giving specific terawattage for a weapon, one might describe its killing power relative to an older weapon or to a given target. In the film "Master and Commander", for example, we don't need to know the exact penetrating power of a nine-pounder cannon at 100 yards. It is helpful, however, to know that the enemy ship has bigger guns and a thicker hull, but it's still vulnerable at the stern.
#4 Religion - Again, as long as description doesn't cross the line into advocacy, I don't see a problem with devil worship, human sacrifice, naked rituals, self-flagellation, etc. provided it's tied into the storyline. Religious aspects can be casually exposed e.g. in passing, during conversations, or more explicitly as when dealing with militant fanatics. For what I see as a good example of religion in sci fi, check out Arthur C. Clarke's "The Star".
#5 Improvement - Yes, but with a long way to go. I still see misspellings, awkward grammar, and run-on sentences that contain a number of different thoughts that should be broken into separate sentences but instead go on and on until the reader is figuratively begging for punctuation to rescue him from the confusion and put the storyline into some sort of order but that doesn't happen until far too late and by that time he often has to go back and start over to sort out what just happened in the story.
Character development is adequate for a sci fi game after action report, but well short of what's needed for a more mainstream audience. The "plot" is somewhat disjointed, but that's probably inevitable given the work-in-progress nature of the story at this point. All these problems could (and I expect will) be addressed in a complete rewrite of what I see here as a first draft.
Ideally these college-level writing classes Starhawk mentions are merciless in their criticism of ALL aspects of students' writing, i.e. grammar, punctuation, character development, exposition, plot, etc. If so, they are potentially much more valuable than critiques from the (presumably) amateurs on this board.
#6 (Not asked by Starhawk) Grow a thick skin. By exposing his thoughts, ideas, and emotions in print, a would-be author deliberately becomes the proverbial "tallest nail" just begging to be hammered. This can be educational, but painful. As part of the improvement process, it helps if the authorling can take a good hammering and enthusiastically ask, "Please, sir, may I have another?"
A Culture question for ya\'ll regarding my story.
Linear Mode
