OT-Horrorscope

[tesco samoa]

For the Week of Jan 1st

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You know, the stars are beginning to suspect that it is no longer possible for a competent person to be elected president of this nation.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
An assassin from the future will attempt to prevent the birth of the next Hitler by materializing in your bedroom at a particularly awkward moment.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
The ghost of Hemingway appears to you in a dream and explains for the Last time that the old man was an old man, the sea was the sea, and the fish was just a fish.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
We're sorry. Last week's prediction of "a night journey over water" should indeed have read "waterfall." Best wishes for your speedy recovery.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Mercury ascendant in Leo indicates that your mother so fat she gots her own damn ZIP code.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
One of your greatest problems is your inability to ignore oversimplified, arbitrary, and potentially unsound advice from dubious sources.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
You are decidedly nonplussed when you receive the entire America Online corporation free in the mail this week.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
The life's work of poet Wallace Stevens will change you forever when it falls from the top shelf onto your head, paralyzing you from the neck down.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Your name will appear several times in the coroner's report, smudged though it will be by tears of laughter and overenthusiastic highlighting.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
You might have decided that you don't believe in God, but that's okayHe believes in Himself.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
Job-related burnout can be tough, but keep in mind that you fulfill a necessary function. After all, those nurses aren't going to strangle themselves.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Whatever you do this week will prove that Rip Torn was right about you.