OT-Horrorscope

[tesco samoa]

for the week of Jan 29th

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
You will be honored but embarrassed when Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter visits you to "see if further trouble can be avoided."

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
It's time to admit that you would be far better off living in a reputable rest home, despite being a healthy 28-year-old.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You'll feel a greater sense of security once you finally get used to the strain of holding that ax over your head all day long.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
There's trouble at work again this week as you continue to be undermined by your smarter, more charismatic black Secretary of State.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
They think they've won, but take heart: Only you know that they haven't found all the nurses yet.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
The pain of your loss will fade with time, but every now and then you'll swear you can still feel it itching.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
Now that he's hit everything else, John Updike has no choice but to write about you.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
While it's true that you're a sharecropper's son, it's because you forced your father to take up sharecropping at the expense of his lucrative banking career.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
Accept it: She's dead, and nothing you can do will ever bring her back. Except, of course, for the Lazarus serum--but you promised her you wouldn't...

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Though you never intended to be a role model for children, you must admit that your grindingly dull life makes you a pretty decent one.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
In spite of the praise, accolades, and awards, you can't shake the suspicion that they paid the caterer more.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Sure, life may seem pretty dark, but wonderful things are going to happen any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now. Any minute now.

[tesco samoa]

week of Feb 5th

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform Version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white *** laughed off the stage.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.

[Spoo]

lol

[Instar]

cite your source tesco!

[Rollo]

taken from tesco's sig:
"What would happen if a squad of Storm Troopers got in a bLaster/phaser fight with a squad of Star Trek red-shirt ensigns?"

They are dead, Jim.

[ February 06, 2003, 02:23: Message edited by: Rollo ]

[Sea-Monkey-Pirate]

That reminds me of a Tarot reading I had.

The fortune teller turned over a card clearly marked the "Scottsman".

"The Scottsman?" I asked, "I have never even heard of that card!"

The fortune teller replied, "Well not to many people have this future, have they?"

[capnq]

Here's a fun "alternate" Tarot:

Silicon Valley Tarot {link}