OT-Horrorscope

[tesco samoa]

week of Feb 5th

Aries: (March 21—April 19)
The stars will soon be in a unique alignment, revealing a mysterious sign in the heavens. Which sounds impressive but means you'll be able to see a birdie.

Taurus: (April. 20—May 20)
You will never again be able to live in peace due to the enduring and seductive power of your moose call.

Gemini: (May 21—June 21)
You will spend three frustrating weeks trying to incorporate the word "evanescent" into a sentence.

Cancer: (June 22—July 22)
Usually, this stuff happens in movie theaters, so you're pretty surprised when two hours of sexy, suspense-filled action come to a bakery near you.

Leo: (July 23—Aug. 22)
Your discovery of an unabridged dictionary will take much of the fun and creativity out of Scrabble.

Virgo: (Aug. 23—Sept. 22)
Just so you know: If you speak fluent Farsi and have a thorough knowledge of Middle Eastern culture but don't like travel, it's a good time to keep your mouth shut.
Libra: (Sept. 23—Oct. 23)
It might be heartfelt, but your long, freeform Version of "Old Man River" will get your lily-white *** laughed off the stage.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24—Nov. 21)
Just because that man is dead and in his grave doesn't mean you can go around squeezing the Charmin as much as you please.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)
You haven't worn it since college, but don't be surprised when your old suit still fits. It is made of rubber, after all.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22—Jan. 19)
Actually, "mannickjore" refers to the white-necked stork of the Indian subcontinent, more commonly known to white settlers as the "beefsteak bird."

Aquarius: (Jan. 20—Feb. 18)
It was nice of Utah Jazz great Karl Malone to visit you in the hospital, though you are not sick and easily could have entertained him at home.

Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20)
Something big is in your future. Please be sure to note the absence of any specific positives in that sentence.