The Funniest Canadian Joke.

[geoschmo]

A young married couple decided they wanted to join the local church. This was an obscure denomination in which the minister had a peculier restriction for new members. As a test of their comittment they were required to abstain from sexual relations for a period of one month.

The couple had not been married long and were very attracted to each other, but they were eager to be a part of the community so they agreed. At the end of the month the minister called them into his office to ask them if they passed the test.

"Well preacher, I'll tell you," the husband began sheepishly. "we did allright for the first couple weeks. But the other day we were getting some food and I walked up behind her and saw her bent over getting some frozen vegatables. I tried to resist but the urge was too great. I had to have her and she felt the same way. I took her right there on the floor in front of the freezer."

"Well my son," the minister said disapointedly. "I am afraid that you have failed the test and will not be permitted to join our congregation."

"I understand, and I don't blame you at all. They won't let us back in the supermarket either."

[Ragnarok]

woohoo! I got one of the worst Ratings possible! That's what I was going for. But I know they were lame, I just had to try them out. I got a couple more.

This Pirate walks into a bar with a steering.............Sorry, I had to do it.


Ok, here we go seriously...

"Mafia Christmas
A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.
He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again...."

And...

Two guys are going camping. After they had reached the base camp and had set it up, one of the guys says "I gotta take a dump! Where do I go?"
"Go around the corner there, behind those trees and do it."
"Okay."
So the guy is gone for about 10 minutes, all of a sudden he remembers that he didn't bring any toilet paper. So he yells at the other guy for some TP but to no avail, the two didn't

have any at all.
"What do you mean "We don't have any?"
"Just what I said, quit your whining and use some leaves or grass or something!"
"There isn't any!!"
"Well use some rocks or maybe a pine cone!"
"There isn't any!!"
"Well... Have you got a dollar?"
"Yeah" (Somewhat confused)
"Well use that then, geez!"
Another 10 minutes go by and the man emerges from the trees, with crap all the way up to his elbows.
"What the HELL happened??!!"
"Have you ever tried to wipe your *** with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel?"

[Ragnarok]

Found a couple more, I'm done until later tonight. I find these rather funny but I doubt Fyron will.

A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk."

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened.

He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

And...

starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up

[ January 24, 2003, 15:40: Message edited by: Ragnarok ]

[Wardad]

Do you know an arse from an elbow? Take the quiz.

http://www.assotron.com/arse-or-elbow/

[ January 24, 2003, 16:50: Message edited by: Wardad ]

[David E. Gervais]

Have any of you ever heard of the '**** List'? It can be kind of personal, but here it is, see how many on the list stir your memories..

1) The Lincoln Log (It's big and it floats!)
2) The Phantom **** (You felt it come out, you heard it splash, but when you look, it's nowhere to be seen!)
3) The Peek-a-boo **** (Every time you strain, it peeks out, but when you stop straining to breath it hides back in!)
4) The Brain-hemorage through your nose **** (..and it's not called blushing!)
5) The Super snake (also known as the spiral ****!)
6) The Memorable **** (So strange, big or unique that you need a witness!)
7) The Popcorn **** (you know plop, plop no fizz oh what a relief it is!)
8) The Niagra **** (aka the liquid ****!)
9) The Kodak **** (similar to the Memorable **** but you grab a camera because no-one is around!)
10) The Air **** (It's when you spend a half hour on the bowl farting!)
11) The Oxigen Deprivation **** (It stinks so much you have trouble breathing!)
12) The TNT **** (The one that litterly blows out of you in a matter of seconds, often associated with the 'liquid ****'!)
13) The Alien **** (Often recognized by it's strange yellow/green color! Are babies aliens?)
14) The Drain Blocker (The one you have to chop up in order to get it to flush!)

If you know of any missing '****' that should be on the list feel free to add to it!

I bet Fyron is Laughing so hard now that he's crying. Like I said this list can be very personal, RIght Fyron? LOL

[ January 24, 2003, 16:52: Message edited by: David Gervais ]

[kalthalior]

Not terribly PC, and with apologies to blondes out there ... the Seven Degrees of Blondes

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One
notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the
first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's
me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on
her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state
capitols. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told
her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA
freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to
find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the
radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

[kalthalior]

Couldn't resist adding these little gems.

WARNING: You are about to enter into the bad pun zone. Enter at your own risk!

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But
when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One
went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his
dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel
and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I
can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun
contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.