Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Power Man]

A slightly scorched Power Man takes his position at the helm. He hopes he can get back to game some time soon. He and Mr S'Katchoo were having a “Fascinating” time practicing ship combat manuvers.

He sets the shields to “Tough and Super Absorbent” so they can stand up to any thing and soak up the damage. The “Steely Eye” sensors are staring all around for any cloaked ships. Power Man puts the ship into D1 for Defense mode one.
He tests the phasers by neatly cutting some nearby Asteroids in half (turning them into Hemi-roids).

“Helm and weapons at Yellow Alert. Phasers armed and ready Keptan, I mean Captain. “ Sorry it must be the clothespin on my nose.

Don’t worry about sending the away team out through the shields Captain. I happen to know that this ship’s transporter system is equipped with a Penetrating Energy Emitter from the Cat-heter company . The Penetrating Energy Emitter is a long tube that extends from the ship and penetrates the shield trough a small slit. It serves to guide the transporter beam (yellow in color) through the shields and can be aimed to hit any spot we want.

Commander Dogscoff U R Not going to like this but don’t you think the best way for “Number 1” to travel is through the PEE tube?

[Raging Deadstar]

*Silently 5 spherical droids float through space from the surface of Anus IV. They slowly head towards the TSSS Phongs head. They quickly pass through the fluctuations in the shield and slowly begin monitoring the movements of the ship. After the boarding attempt failed the Deadstar Continuum decide they must observe and learn more about these intruders and keep them away from fart point*

Available Information.....
The TSSS Phongs Head is a cantina class starship. Equipped with specialist shields and Photon torpedoes. Information on the crew is limited, although all attempts to hail the ship have been met with a pvc synthetic lifeform commanly referred to by humans as "a blow up doll!" Our informants have informed us that the captain is from the homo labido offscalus felinis species and has a penchant for good attractive women, this may be used to our advnatage.

*One of the droids manages to slip quickly through one of the holes that kamog hasn't taped up with impenetrable duct tape and quickly activates it's hologram projector to blend in as a red shirt ensign. It's mission: to observe the crew and gather information on the Phongs Head. To blend in effectively he hobbles around after a self inflicted phaser bLast to the foot!*

[Gryphin]

Power Man,
Are those PEE tubes completely tested? I understood that they frequently will spray the transported off to the left or right or sometimes even dribble them out.

[Kamog]

After completing level 3 diagnostics on the warp engines, Kamog goes back to patching holes in the hull. He bumps into the red-shirt ensign limping around with a severely burned foot.

"Ensign, take this roll of inpenetrable duct tape and climb up this Jeffries Tube. There's a damaged power conduit up on level 17. Go patch it up. ...wait, what happened to your foot? And why don't you have a clothespin on your nose? Hmm, I don't have an extra clothespin but I have these Vice Grip pliers you can use. Go report to Dr. Geo in MedLab - uh, I mean Sickbay - and get him to look at your foot."

[Katchoo]

Mr S'Katchoo looks up from his Science Station and address' the Captain before he leaves for the Planet surface.

Mr S'Katchoo: "Captain i've completed my survey of the Planet's atmosphere. I'm detecting glucose-frucose, water, tomato paste, molasses, vinegar, salt, modified corn starch, natural hickory smoke flavour, onion powder, ground mustard, dried garlic, spices, and seasonings."

Captain: "Mr S'Katchoo, those are the ingredients from the bottle of Barbecue Sauce on your Station!"

Mr S'Katchoo: "Indeed? Perhaps we should harvest the Planet Atmosphere and sell it."

The Captain puts his head in his hands. Mr S'Katchoo though unwinds the bottle of Barbecue sauce and applies it the the hamburgers cooking at the built in Barbecue Console.

Mr S'Katchoo: *sniff*sniff* "Ahhhh... Lunch anyone?"

*sizzle*sizzle*sizzle*

[Gwaihir]

**Having almost missed their cue because of the clever disguise in an ingredients list, a mass of Onions materializes over S'Katchoo's head and tumbles down into a neat little conical pile, burying him completely. Fortunately for everyone on the bridge, the clothespins prevent the stench from being too overwhelming, but Unfortunately (or fortunately . . . you cruel people! ) S'Katchoo's clothespin is knocked off by the vegetable deluge.**

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz, always on the lookout for new security devices, adds the following sign to all doorways throughout the ship:

,-----------,
| TO ENTER |
| HERE SAY |
| "ONIONS" |
'-----------'

That should take care of those pesky intruders!

[ May 05, 2003, 04:03: Message edited by: Taz-in-Space ]