Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Growltigger]

Captain Growltigga to Sub-Ensign Power Man,note you have been demoted for unbefitting conduct whilst on an away mission.

The honour of the Federation and illustrious service on TSSS Phong's Head only means you get drunk either on board or when I say you can.

Tell that snivelling mayor that I will withhold my engines of destruction, provided that miserable reprobate toad of a major in his undergorund fortress agrees to meet my assassination team, I mean, my friendship team when it beams down.

Tell that mayor that if he doesn't accede to this demand, I shall be forced to use planet buster bombs and phasers against the major's underground fortress such that Anus IV will be blown up its own bottom.......

He has been warned.......

[Power Man]

Power Man mutters to himself:
WHAT DEMOTED!! Why that @#$#$% puffed up %^%&& CAT ! I'd like to give his tale a YANK or TWO ! And after all my hard Work too. How Else are we to "seek out what's Brewing" if we don't sample what ales us??
I wonder how "The honour of the Federation and illustrious service on TSSS Phong's Head" is served by his "daddle daddle dum"ing his "rising rhubarb" and getting "tied up" by "dancing sheep". Maybe I ought to send my Uncle, Admriel High Horse at Federation Command Central a short note?
I am sure Captain "Cat" would Love a FCC investigation.

It looks like I had better start doing a little "Sucking Up" myself.

Taking out his communicator Power Man calls up to the ship.
"Power Man to the Great, All Powerful, Massively Endowed, Handsomely Striped, Powerful Singer, Captain Growltigga, I, your now even more lowly Peeon Power Man will tell "that snivelling mayor" your Great and Powerful words. He seems to have run off however so I must track him down."

I hope you will reconsider your supremely wise and just actions. From what we have Worked so Hard to discover, Fart Point Station and Anus IV would be a great ASSet to the Federation.
At least let your Away Team know before you "wipe out Anus IV's bottom".
We would like to get the Sh++ out of Anus IV before you give it the "Blow Job"."

Power Man Out.

Now which way back to the Re-Cover room ??? Were did that mayor run off to ??

[Katchoo]

Mr. S'Katchoo, having returned from his stay at the Betty Ford Clinic (aka Sickbay) enters the bridge just as the Captain begins issueing orders.

Captain: "..Sound red alert, bring the ship to battle stations, raise shields, charge phaser banks, load and arm all photon torpedoes, rig the shuttles as ground assault craft, arm all marines with ground attack weaponry and make sure the "planet buster" bombs are ready for launch.."

Mr. S'Katchoo gives the Captain a raised eyebrow. Shields?..Phaser banks?..Photon torpedoes?..Shuttles?..Marines?..Planet buster bombs? What does this Captain think this ship is? The Death Star?

But..the Captain wants "action", so i'll give it to him, muses Mr. S'Katchoo.

Sitting down to his Science Station, Mr. S'Katchoo unlocks the bottom cabinet and takes out his Guitar. Finally, with the Planetary Speakers on full bLast, Mr. S'Katchoo begins playing:

"Get your ski's shined up,
Grab a stick of Juicy Fruit.
The taste is gonnnnna move ya!
Take a strip,
Pull it ouuuut.
The taste is gonna move it when ya pop it in your mouuuuuth!

Juicy Fruit,
it's gonnnnna move ya!
Juicy soft,
it gets right to ya!
Juicy Fruit,
The taste the taste the taste is gonnna move ya!"

Meanwhile, down on Fart Point, people all over cup their hands over their ears and scream in terror...

[Power Man]

Power Man is still wandering the halls looking for the Re-Cover room and muttering about that *&^%$% CAT. Suddenly his ears are deafened by loud guitar music and some voice Kat-erwauling something about "grabbing the stick of a juicy fruit".
"This must be "The Word from our sponsor" we have been waiting for. Boy, you can't tell me they don't crank up the volume on those things. Well I know how to handle commercials." Power Man hits the mute button on his helmet and blocks the rest of the noise.

Power Man realizes that he may be lost. "I know I should have turned Left at that Last branch."
He sees that the walls have taken on a different, smoother, almost grown look. "This almost looks like Organic Tech!!"
He rounds a corner and sees three Old Fart Crones standing around a small vat of bubbling liquid. They are chanting as they add in various ingredients :
Eye of nute, toe of frog, wing of Bat, and tongue of dog this is how we make this Grog.

Oh this must be how they make the "Shake A Spear" ale. I'm glad I did not have any of That Last night.

Suppressing his Manly Needs Not to ask for Directions Power Man asks the Old Fart Crones for the way back to the Re-Cover room. They of course delight in telling him "Where to Go" and "How to Get There".

"Well How RUDE! Getting told off by those Old Farts. I will just have to keep looking for a way back myself"

Will Power Man find his way back? Will the rest of the Team ever wake up?? Will we get another Commercial??? Stay TOONED…..

[ May 09, 2003, 00:02: Message edited by: Power Man ]

[Taz-in-Space]

...Gradually recovering from his overzealous 'Taste-testing' of the liquid refreshments, Taz waits for the couch he is on to 'drop-out-of-warp' and stop spinning.

While he is waiting he thinks back on the experience. Fascinating how all the booze seemed to become whatever you were thinking about at the time. And that bar - wonder if that can fit in the PEE tube for the return 'beam-out'?

Suddenly Taz is assaulted by the most lethal-sounding noise imaginable: The Infamous Juicy Fruit Theme Song.

Jolted into action, Taz staggers to his feet and activates his communicator.

"Taz to Captain: Some fiend is using Banned WMD's
(Weapons of Mass Deafening) on us. Request you beam us and the nearby bar to safety."

[narf poit chez BOOM]

suddenly, a hoard of drunken rats attacks the doors of the recovery room.
your still in the recovery room, except for power man, right?

[mac5732]

The wise one stares at his spy screens which show the anitquated ship above, raising shields and bringing weapons on line. "Well now it seems these infernal, pesky, intruders are preparing for some type of aggressive infatuation with our illustirious FartPoint. Ok, if thats what they want, heheheehhe, then they shall reap that which they attempt to sow.. ahahahhah, laughs the wizen old one.

At that moment, LH#69 enters the inner sanctum of the control room and reports that she has received a message over the inter galactic express communicator. Apparently a group of what appears intelligent beings are requesting a get together to help irradicate the musky ones cluttering up our space. That is most obliging of them replys the Old Great One, send them that we accept their kind offer and to submit those lucious sounding LH clones immediatly. LH#69 rushes back to her communications room.

LH #2, make sure our screens, weapons, and the secret ooze weapon are on line and ready to commence there most destructive implementation upon them the minute that old rust bucket up there fires.

The old one records a message for LH#69 to send to this supposed Jean luc le Grand Chat Kat .

LH#69 sends the following msg to the ship above

There is nothing either intrinsically right or intrinsically wrong about liberty or slavery, democracy or autocracy, freedom of action or complete regimentation. It seems to us here on FartPoint that the greatest measure of happinsess and of well being for the greatest number of entities, and therefore the optimum advancement toward whatever sublime goal it is toward which this cycleof our existence is trending in the vast and unknownable scheme of things is to be obtained by securing for each and every individual, the greatest amount of mental and physical freedom compatible with the public welfare. We of Fartpoint warn you that any interruption of these fundamentals upon any of our race shall be construed as an act of war which shall be profusely pursued against those perpetrators of such despicable actions...
"LH69 Send it.

The humble old gentelman presses a switch on his console which in turn lets loose the unestimatable power of the bartookis beam, which snatchs the bar and ales from the landing party and returns it to within the confines of the immense fortrress.

In addition, he pushes another button which sends out a small pointent beam at the turncoat mayor, ZAP, mayor no more... heheheh

LH"3, what is the status on our cloaked fleet of Battlemoons? They are cloaked and directly above and below the intruder sir, she replys. The old one leans back, releases some essance of methane modules, and smiles......