Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Erax]

Erax took a wrong turn somewhere, went straight past the harem and ended up in the Medical Lab and Brain Storage Area. He looks around and finds what appears to be some kind of life support device hooked up to a supercomputer.

"Erax to Power Man. Looks like I've found Mr. S'Katchoo's brain, could you please send his body down, together with Dr. Geo ?"

[Kamog]

Several girls, grinning evilly, walk right up to Kamog, holding their bLasters pointed directly at Kamog's head.

"OK, OK, I'll drop my weapon!" Kamog drops his phaser rifle to the floor. "But tell me one thing..."
"What?" asks one of the girls.
"Do you like... ONIONS?"

Suddenly, a large hatch flips opens up in the ceiling, releasing a gigantic pile of the vegetable. Kamog dives into the fountain, and the girls look up just in time to see a huge truckload of onions fall on their heads. Within seconds, the room is filled to shoulder-height with the vegetables. There are arms and some nice-looking legs randomly sticking up into the air, flailing, as the girls struggle from under the pile.

Kamog is bruised, as a particularly large onion bonks him in the head just as he comes up for a breath of air. In the confusion, however, Kamog manages to grab one of the girls, pull her out from beneath the vegetables, and drag her to the door on the other side of the room. Pulling her by the arm, Kamog runs down the hall and turns left - and arrives at the Medical Lab.

Running into the lab, Kamog sees Chief Engineer Erax. He also notices in the room a chair, and hanging above it is a metal helmet-looking device with many wires and antennae sticking out. There's a sign on the helmet that says "Teacher".

Kamog draws his samurai sword and points it at the girl. "All right. Tell me how this equipment works."

Girl: "You sit down and put on that helmet, and you can learn all sorts of things instantly... "
* She picks up some data crystal-looking things.*
"I'll be your operator... Now, we're supposed to start with these operational programs, but that's major boring stuff. Let's do something more fun. How about combat training... go ahead, put on the helmet."

Kamog: "Jujitsu? I don't need to learn jujitsu. I'm not putting on that weird helmet. Just tell me how you removed Mr. S'Katchoo's brain, and how we can put it back."

[Growltigger]

OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

The underground bunker echoes to the wretched screams of Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat, nursing his nackered happy sacks and gazing wrathfully at Commander Dogscoff...

"oOOOoooOOOOOhhh are you going to get a medal for that heroic action, as well as a random kicking from parties unknown when we back to the Phong's HEad"

The Captain surveys the room, Kamog's excellent use of the "O word" has meant that beauties are concussed under a pile of O's...

Right chaps, no need to bLast this totty to kingdom come, Mr Power Man, beam these ladies to the brig, leave their weapons behind and pump them full of docility gas - we will save them for later, but dont beam up the young lady answering our questions about S'Katchoo's brain... I want to have a word with her...

OoooooOOOooh my nadgers, this shouldn't happen to a cat

[Erax]

The Captain, Scoff and Taz limp along the underground corridor and join Erax and Kamog in the medical lab, where the two are questioning the girl.

"For the Last time... how did you remove Mr. S'Katchoo's brain ?"

"I don't know any Mr. Scotchoo ! Let me go !"

"Very well... Lieutenant Kamog, what are the ways in which a warp engine can be jump-started ?"

"Well, you can reroute the warp core distributor negative power coupling to the secondary dilithium array outlet, but first you have to disable the safety override by sending a signal through the lateral nacelle adjustment circuit, so that the computer will think the drive is on. Then you..."

The girl begins to go slack-eyed at this relentless stream of Trek technobabble and her head slumps forward.

"Ah, hello, Cap'n. We were using our interrogation techniques on this prisoner. You will find that she will now answer any of our questions."

[ June 16, 2003, 14:51: Message edited by: Chief Engineer Erax ]

[Power Man]

Power Man beams just the beauteous creatures into the brig. He leaves behind all of their wepons and most of their costums. The brig is filled with a special blend of docility gas and Spanish Fly. This should make them Really Ready for the Captain's "questioning session."

The good Doctor has Mr. S'Katchoo ready to go. On Mr. S'Katchoo's head is a pretty little hat with lots of little blinking lights. The doctor has an old TV/VCR remote that he can use to tell Mr. S'Katchoo's body to go forward, rewind-er Back and a special everything else button.

Power Man beams the Doctor and Mr. S'Katchoo's body down to the away team.

"Good luck finding and replacing Mr. S'Katchoo's brain Guys"

"Captain, I would like to report that the SSS (Ship Surface Scan) has found "Nothing Un-Expected". I am starting a SSSS (Sub Surface Ship Scan).

[Growltigger]

The Captain finds himself nodding off after Kamog and Erax's bLast of Trekkie technobabble..

Bugger, they will be learning klingon next and translating the barsnacks menu into it - what is tribble wings in klingon anyhow?

The brave captain looks up as Dr Geo (who has been awfully quiet recently) and the body of Mr S'Katchoo beam in..

Right young lady, answer me this. Why have you stolen Mr S'Katchoo's brain? how did you do it? and do you on a first date?

[Kamog]

The girl starts mumbling answers to the Captain's questions, her eyes still closed.

"We stole the brain to be our Controller... the Controller circulates our air ... keeps the city warm ... makes the lights work ... purifies our water ... this new Controller is strong and powerful - it will run our city for many years."

"We used the trilaser connector and sonic separator to remove the brain... we learned how to do the surgery by using 'Teacher'..." (She vaguely gestures towards the metal helmet-type device.)

"And of course I do, on a first date! And on every date! "