Bar Trek: The Next Generation. Episode 4: Sore Leave

[Erax]

Erax and Kamog, stop taking photos of nice young ladies and get that brain in place.

Actually, Cap'n, our job was to get the brain out of the controller thingy, getting it back into Mr. S'Katchoo's head is Dr. Geo's job.

I'm an engineer, not a doctor !

[Growltigger]

"Mr Erax" says the captain as he gets into his loading robotic suite and proceeds to take the "Long Legged Heron Flying Over Dark Mountain" karate stance...., "stop getting cheeky with me m'boyo, you get that controller in place with immediate effect. If Dr Geo is not available for the operation, you might have to do it"

"HeeeeyyyahhhhH" the sight of El Kapitano springing through the air in his loading suit amazes all onlookers. The Queen lizard puts up her dukes and a battle royale commences!!

Cry havoc, and let slip the cats of war!!!

Bang bang biff biff crunch shriek heeyahhh bang bang biff biff pow thwack biff biff take that you vicious lizard scumbag biff biff twok crunch snff snff snffff thump

[Taz-in-Space]

Taz, always ready to learn some new violence, produces a large notepad...

Bang bang biff biff crunch shriek heeyahhh bang bang biff biff pow thwack biff biff take that you vicious lizard scumbag biff biff twok crunch snff snff snffff thump

Notes:
bang = 4
biff = 8
crunch = 2
shriek = 1 -> I assume this is the queen
heeyahhh = 1
pow = 1
thwack = 1
take that you vicious lizard scumbag = 1
twok = 1
snff = 2
snffff = 1 -> the long form of snff?
thump = 1 -> really hope this is the queen

OK, Taz got all of that... go on...

[Growltigger]

The bell rings and round 1 is over. Over heroic Captain strides over to the red corner in his loading mechanoid, slightly dented, sweating and swearing profusely with just a touch of blood from a small flesh wound.

The Queen Lizard is a tad more battered, and still plucky and raring for the fight.

Dogscoff mean while is having a nice chat with the young lady in the bikini who parades around the ring with the round numbers...

Ding ding seconds out Round 2....

Heeeeyaahhhhh rroowwlll thump bash biff crunch snap crunch awooga twok biff bash kick squeal snff snff snff snff pow cowabunga bash bash biff oooh you nasty little iguana crunch smash bite chew fnar fnar bash poke gouge biff twok munch snap bash biff roowwwwllll bugger crash biff bang boff twok biff crunch slam squeal CRASH......

The Queen is down for a standing count.......

[Growltigger]

oh hell she is up again biff baff boff crash bang whallop take that you evil scaly skinned varmint hack slash gouge crush bash biff bong ecky ecky ecky ftang bish bosh jobs a good 'un twok pow baff crunch OUCH crush slam punch biff baff boff...

Oh no, now Captain Jean Luc Le Grand Chat is down on the mat on a count!

[dogscoff]

*dogscoff decides to stop chatting up the eye candy and intervene:

stomp stomp kick punch shriek stomp smash "have you ever had a glasgow kiss missy?" nut kick stomp kick pif paf poof grab throw thunk yargh pound squish squish squish wiggle squish kick slap stomp.

His limited reserves of onomatopeia exhausted, dogscoff goes back to the corner to let 'tig finish the job.

[Power Man]

Beginning Phase Two

"This is Power Man to all Red shirts: All Red shirts are to report to Holodeck 4 for their annual Target Proficiency Evaluation. All Red shirts report to Holodeck 4."

Shortly later in Holodeck 4:

"OK People Lets get this under way. Your goal is to hit the target at the far end of the range."

1st Red Shirt Ready Aim Fire… Missed.. Hits their left foot. Ok there. Off to the medic.
2nd Red Shirt Ready Aim Fire… Missed .. Hits their Right foot. Same for you, off to the medic.
3rd Red Shirt Ready Aim Fire .. Missed.. Almost hit Power Man's foot !!!

4th "Red Shirt" Ready Aim Fire .. HIT, A Good Solid HIT !!! Very Good !!

ALL RIGHT COMPUTER ACTIVATE "RED SHIRT'S REWARD" PLAN ONE !!!

Suddenly the "Red Shirt" is surrounded by a Very High Powered Containment bubble field. The field cuts off all transmissions and blocks all forms of energy from entering or exiting the sphere.
At the same time four large attack Droids swing around the side of the ship and attack the two remaining Deadstar probes that have been stuck on the side of the ship. The two probes are knocked off the ship and placed in their own VHP Containment Bubble fields.

All of this happens so fast that no signal can be sent out.

In the Holodeck 4

"Computer begin Selected Subject Scan on the contained objects."

Within the bubble field the "Red shirt" disappears. The sinister form of the Deadstar probe is revealed. Several hatches open up and several beams attack the bubble. But none of the beams can get through. Various blades and cutters are tried but they also fail. High powered antennas attempt to signal out. But not a signal gets out.

Finally with a mechanical scream the probe self destructs with a tremendous explosion. The Bubble expands up and almost bursts but manages to contain the bLast. Outside the ship the Last two probes also self destruct.

"Computer maintain the bubbles. I want all three launched on a course that will drop them into the local star."

Power Man to Captain: "I would like to report that "Phase Two" is Complete.
The Last of the Deadstar probes that we "picked up" at Fart Point have been destroyed.
The ship has been scanned inside and out. All alien probes have been found and destroyed."

In the far off lair of Senator Raging Deadstar all signals from the three probes suddenly stop.

(Sorry I broke your "Toys" RD but I can't have your junk mucking up things on the Great Ship TSSS Phong's Head. )

OK folks less than 10 Posts left. Somebody had better start putting S'Katchoo's Brain back in his head.