(OT) Some advice for me / My Depression Thread / Thanks forumers

[Erax]

Taera,

When I was 11 I moved to a different part of the country with my family. My first two years at the new school were definitely the worst period of my life. Later on I made some friends, but I had no luck with dating until I got into college (too shy, I could never think of anything to say to a girl). Here's some activities that helped me along the way :

- Martial arts (for 2 years)
- High school theatre (4 years)
- Pen-and-paper RPGs (started 20 years ago, still haven't stopped)

None of these activities seemed interesting at first, but they gave me some badly needed self-confidence and allowed me to meet people and make some friends. Pretty soon I was enjoying myself, I was still shy but it wasn't terminal any more.

There is a very important epilogue to this story. There was this girl in my class who was very attractive, but we probaly spoke less than 50 words to each other during high school. When we had our 10-year high school class reunion she said something to the effect that she really admired me back in those days. So it's possible we never talked because she thought she had nothing interesting to say to me! Is that ironic or what ?

My advice is similar to everyone else's, try different activities which will make you get out and meet people, even if they don't seem too interesting at first.

Physical activity is especially important at your age because it will give you an overall feeling of well-being, which other people can sense so it will also improve your social life (I wish someone had explained this to me in these terms, my parents wanted me to practice sports but they never got beyond the 'do it because it's good for you' line).

Don't be too hard on yourself. Making mistakes at your age is practically expected (this is something else I wish I had known before).

Edit: Work on your personal life and think less about politics. My personal experience is that people, especially adults, will not listen to what you have to say about politics / economics / religion until you are 30, even if you have been saying the same things since you were 16.

[ May 22, 2003, 02:07: Message edited by: Erax ]

[Taera]

and again, good advice.
and apparently the very fact that i posted it here helped me, surprising me quite a bit.

for one thing im now trying to maintain a positive attitude, doing 'positive' things - like saying hi to neighbours i dont even know or thanks to a bus driver - things i dont usually do.

it all narrows down to physical activities and i agree that this is important. i, though, have never been active in that area - it simply wasnt the trend in israel -- soccer was but THIS soccer.. no thanks (big, dumb, strong were all the products of this sport. no exceptions. almost.) it is a change in my life that is yet to come but i hope it will.

Re:ESL - i took ESL first few months, as my guidance councellor insisted. was a laugh, i practically did nothing there. my speaking skills are getting generally better with time because i dont speak russian a lot in school and none of hebrew. considering my hebrew experience ill never become absolutely fluent in english but im getting better. and after all, people find my accent amusing which is just fine

Re: school activities - im aiming for high-grades and good university. i also only have 2 high-school years instead of three. im missing all phys.ed classes in Canada because i simply do not have space for them -- i have only one subject choice, in the end of grade 12 - and i want psychology there always enjoyed psychology...

Re: Church - not a religious person, plus russian-orthodox christianity background. do not go to church, at all.

Re: politics - hehe, i dont care about politics... just some general views on some aspects of life. but your right

[narf poit chez BOOM]

even if being socail doesn't come natural, you can still learn the rules...and humor's great. just make sure you know what kind of humor your good at.

[dogscoff]

it all narrows down to physical activities and i agree that this is important. i, though, have never been active in that area ... it is a change in my life that is yet to come but i hope it will.

Well you have to make that change yourself. Go and try out a few sports. My schools were all focussed on ppl with exceptional talent when it came to sport- anyone who was just mediocre like me was practically excluded. For that reason I hated all forms of excerise throughout my childhood and teens.

Then, after nearly getting beaten up one New Year's Eve- I went to a karate class. I loved it. It really changed the way I felt about myself, and for a short while I had a body like Jean-Claude Van Damme One day I'll find that guy who nearly beat me up and thank him for introducing me to martial arts.

Anyway, I've been doing karate on and off for about 6 or 7 years, and I've now moved on to judo, which is just as good.

[Aloofi]

Originally posted by dogscoff:


Anyway, I've been doing karate on and off for about 6 or 7 years, and I've now moved on to judo, which is just as good.

Wow, karate for seven years?
you must have at least a 2nd Dan-jo.
Which style?

I took Karate since i was 12, then I got drafted by the IDF, and while serving I took the 1st Dan-Jo test, just to be able to say that I have a black belt.
But I officially quit, I haven't learn anything since then. I guess I'm never gonna get the 2nd or 3rd Dan. Getting the 1st was hard enough, and I have forgotten a lot of the non-practical tecniques that I had to learn to pass the test.
Joshimon style, by the way.
I've heard that the Shotokan and the ****o-ryu are the most populars in Europe.

.

[Aloofi]

Originally posted by Taera:
considering my hebrew experience ill never become absolutely fluent in english but im getting better.

On the contrary, you will get a lot better and very fluent, because the more Languages you speak the more fluent you get in all at the same time. You gonna have a fairly easier time with a 3rd language than with a 2nd.

.

[Loser]

I used to dwell on High School, going over it in my mind again and again. I came to the conclusion that, if I had to opportunity to 'go back through' that period of my life know only one thing that I know now, I would want to know how little all the things I worried about ended up mattering.

Once, when I was out with some friends, this specific subject came up and a friend voiced the same opinion I had. I was about to comment on how eerie or meaningful that was when another fellow spoke up to say that he'd rather tell his younger self "Deal coke, not weed"... which completely sidetracked the conversation.

That said, I agree with what so many others here have said: the best step to getting out of depression is physical activity. It changes your chemistry and gives you strength on a variety of levels.

I have always been puzzled by how well others seem to understand each other, always under the impression that they expected a degree of communication in which I simply had no experience. The young lady I'm currently seeing has told me that I have no social sense, no intuitive understanding of others, no connection to the common mind. It is directly because of this that I am a very social person. I have strove to gain an intellectual, conscious awareness of body language, tone, and implications. I have elevated my social skill to the point that I am regarded as odd and amusing rather than frightening or repugnant. Yay.

I believe that the way I have developed would help anyone with any sort of social troubles and it is a simple solution: make people talk. If you are at any sort of gathering (family, social, religious, sacrilegious) and you notice that one person standing, sitting, walking (but not ever dancing) by themselves approach them and try to get them talking. Question their interests, question them about their interests, find out how strange and new things work, ask them about their political interests. The goal here is not to 'talk with' someone, but to get them talking. This will require you to respond on occasion, and to prod fairly frequently. Failure to speak with one of these wall flowers will have little to no consequences; success will result in a raised level of confidence, increase in conversational skill levels, and maybe a new friend or at least a friendly acquaintance.

Next move on to strangers. Pick people doing work that does not require their entire attention, so you have less of a chance of 'bothering' them. Retail floor personnel, street vendors, anyone who looks like their day could use a little more excitement is a good choice. Start with a blunt approach, so they know what you want: "Could I ask you a few questions?" Ask them about what they do, how they got there, if they went to school for it, how they track inventory.

By this time your conversational skill should have advanced to the point that you have a much easier time 'making friends'. Remember the key to being seen as a 'good conversationalist' is to make the other person feel like talking. People like it when someone want to hear what they have to say. Now you should read "How to Win Friends and Influence People", and American self-help book from the early twentieth century. It is targeted for sales personnel, so don't be surprised if some of it isn't exactly applicable, but it is a highly helpful book.

To work on more complicated conversational techniques, play games with strangers. Really this all started with a game: "Make the Stranger Talk".

One I like is "Name Tag Collection", where I try to talk complete strangers into giving me (or selling me) something insignificant but personal, like their name tag. This requires that the person is something of a captive; retail personnel and theme park employees are best really. This is also good practice at talking to girls: males react to this game as though I am threatening them in some way, while girls do not get threatened for some time. Also, since you are laying out your goal immediately, they don't spend as much time wondering what your really after, not right away, anyway. Don't study them before you approach them, as this will give them time to notice you and start wondering, worrying, or calling security (just kidding), just walk up and ask "May I ask you a question? Would you get in trouble if you lost your name tag?"

Another good one is "Get a job". Go into a place of business and ask if they are hiring. You don't really want to work there, you're just doing this for the experience (but don't' tell them that). Ask them what they do, what the hours are like, but don't ask about pay. If they offer you an application, take it, just to keep the game going. Your goal here is to get an interview right away, so ask if there's a manager there to speak with. Now take the interview like you need the job. The great part is that you don't, you don't care. This puts you in a position of power that the interviewer won't be expecting and is great fun. It will also help you develop good interviewing skills, as you're never as secure or ready to learn when you're in the middle of a stressed-up for-real interview.

A good game to help you with inhibitions is "Sing First, Then Sell". When a telemarketer, surveyor, or charity calls on the phone, tell them that you will listen to their spiel, but only after they sing with you. The two of you will have to have a few songs in common for this to work. IF they don't immediately agree (and they never do), talk about what song you could use for a minute. Since they're still not quite ready to sing with you, tell them you'll listen if they join in on the chorus and just start singing. You don't have to know all the words or even have the melody quite right. In fact, if more fun when you aren't singing the song right.

Then pick the areas you want to work on, make up your own games, and stat adding a moment of sureality to some strangers world.

I don't' know if this will help you but I encourage you to give it a try. Talking with people who you will never see again is easy because it won't matter if you screw up, what're they going to do?