Space Empires Volume 1: Space Empire

[Sabin]

Please tell me if my writing has decreased or increased in quality. Thank you.

SPACE EMPIRES VOLUME I: Space Empire
Chapter VI: Wargame
Stardate: 2446.01


Ever since the operation has started, there has been much tension in the Space Empire, and it seems to be directed towards destroying the Klingons in this section of the galaxy. The Space Empire has created the new Saber-X class which is to replace the older Saber MK.V, which has been insufficient for combat in modern times, as proven by the lack of ability when it fights against Klingon vessels, even when in Groups. The Pegasus Soaring has been recalled since it has completed the Last of it's scouting mission, which has prompted the construction of a replacement scouting vessel. The construction of such vessels to replace the Last generation has begun. The older ships are to be applied in destroying the Klingon menance, which has taken unneccersary agression against the Space Empire.

The General Assault Fleet is assembling in the Cor Corali System, where the final preperation are to begin. While this assault fleet seem quite strong, it probably will get destroyed when it attempts to remove the Klingon infestation, since it lacks the advanced technology and design knowledge that our other fleet had...


The "Sovereign" was quickly closing the gap between it and three other warships, towards a battle that may result in it's destruction. The captain, 'Laplace' began issuing further orders: "Order all ships to concentrate fire on that Saber-X to the right, and do so until it is destroyed." He continued, after a short pause. "Also, conduct evasive manuevers and rotate our ships periodically so that the shields would Last longer by delaying their collapse." The officers that occupied the appropriate stations confirmed that they acknowledge with a variety of responses, ranging from grunts to "Aye Aye, Captain." Laplace watched with intent at the screen as the two other ships that combined to be the small fleet under his command attacked the Saber X. His own ship, dubbed the Sovereign, a prototype starship, launched it's own heavy payload of firepower. The Saber X's shields held up until the Sovereign's attack was added, and they promptly fell, and some of the photon torpedos raced through, tearing apart some of the armor and some other items. The grand ship Sovereign bucked slightly under the huge amount of firepower that was directed at it in return, but the firepower from the three other ships could not beat down it's shields, though subduing them somewhat, as it retreated from the enemy ships to reduce the power of the weapons directed at it.

The enemy ships caught up with the Sovereign, but one of them was attacked by the Sovereign's escort, and sustained heavy damage. However, the Sovereign destroyed it, with a special weapon that tore right through the shields and hull of the unfortunate vessel, the Ram Phaser, which was a giant, and powerful, phaser that generated so much power, that it's attack potential was rated at 800, a truely devestating weapon, but can only be fired once every 3 minutes. The Sovereign and it's escorts scattered in order to flee from the remaining two ships. One of them was headed off by the enemy however, and the assaulted that it was quickly put under reduced the shields to nothing. It was almost destroyed, but it's armor prevented the damage from getting through. The Sovereign and the other Saber MK.V quickly came to the aid of their beseiged companion. They quickly laid waste to other Saber-X, and defeated it's shields. Unfortunately, the enemy vessels pursued the weakened Saber MK.V. Within a short time, over 90% of it's hull was destroyed. The Sovereign and it's cohort attacked the Saber-X and dissolved it's shields. The Saber MK.V fired it's payload as it neared the enemy ship, and then it crashed into the enemy vessel, causing significant damage, but not destroying the Saber-X...but the combined firepower of the Sovereign and the remaining Saber MK.V did it in.

Only the variation of the Galaxy-X remained. It tried to defeat the Sovereign, but it's shields only warded off the multiple phasers and photon torpedo attacks for a few minutes. The shields simply recovered after an attack, but return fire knocked them down in return. Eventually, a lucky shot his the EMC unit the ship contained, and with the loss of it, the defensive ability of the powerful ship fell by 30%, and that quickly proven to be it's downfall, as the attacks rained down upon the shields, and quickly overwhelmed them so much that a larger amount of attacks hit the hull of the vessel. A few shield generators were destroyed, and the next volley sent forth tore through more of the ship, rending over 50% of the ship useless. It returned fire, but it was subdued. The Sovereign took the firepower heavily though, since it was at blank range. However, it's shields held, and it continued to fire it's deadly payload, which drilled through more of it's foe, rendering it into a smoking and flaming hulk. The flames died away, as the scene dispersed.

The simulated battle was over and the crews of each ship sighed in relief. Laplace contacted the other captains and congratulated each. The scientists did so in turn too. It was decided the new sovereign design was a powerful beast, one that would serve the Space Empire well once a few were in produced.

[Cipher7071]

Improvement noted. The first three paragraphs look pretty good. Then, as the action heats up, you run into a little trouble:

However, the Sovereign destroyed it, with a special weapon that tore right through the shields and hull of the unfortunate vessel, the Ram Phaser, which was a giant, and powerful, phaser that generated so much power, that it's attack potential was rated at 800, a truely devestating weapon, but can only be fired once every 3 minutes.

How about this instead:

However, the Sovereign destroyed it with a special weapon that tore right through the shields and hull of the unfortunate vessel. The a Ram Phaser, a giant and powerful weapon, generated so much power that it's attack potential was rated at 800. It was a truly devastating weapon, but could only be fired once every three minutes.

Smoother??

[ February 29, 2004, 14:18: Message edited by: Cipher7071 ]

[Sabin]

I will try to reduce the amount of commas.(again) In any case, is the writing for the action sequence too bland, or not emotional enough?

[narf poit chez BOOM]

you must study, young grasshopper. study with the best.

http://www.baen.com/library/067157793X/067157793X.htm

the baen library. totally free, totally legal.

[Sabin]

I will read that material during my meals. Thank you for providing the information required for the perusal of the matierial in question.

SPACE EMPIRES VOLUME I: Space Empire
Chapter VII: Operation Alteration
Stardate: 2443.07


Not much has been occuring recently, but it appears that events have been accelerating. The Space Empire has recently constructed a new vessel to head the fleet that has been assigned to destroy the Klingons. It should soon finish the repair work on the vessels in the fleet and move out. However, despite the ship being the latest Version of the Saber series, there still have been worries that the fleet is too hold to hold out well in combat, and would suffer heavy losses. The Pegasus Soaring was recently destroyed by space mines when it attempted to traverse a wormhole, unfortunately. A new crew has been selected for what has been now named the Pegasus Reborn.

This Version of the Pegasus series is to conduct further explorations, to check if there are any civilizations we are not aware of yet, and to survey enemy systems. The "Sovereign" a next-generation vessel design, appears to be nearing the final stages of re-design, assuring the quality of it. However, it has been decided that the design is to be reserved for a crisis, as a suprise for enemies of the Space Empire. The Pegasus Reborn has been launched, and it just left the Sol System. This flight of it is going to serve another purpose: To find out how improved the prototype fuel systems would work, in comparision to older models. It has been found that the older ships ran out of fuel quickly, and did not recover at an acceptable pace. Even during inactivity it took too long. The Pegasus Reborn has attacked a planet called Deneb Kaitos I, and removed the Klingon population and drone carrier. Next month, estimations of the fuel system's efficiency shall be complete.

The tests are positive. The fuel efficiency is sufficient enough to recover fuel reserves when need be, and the new system has been integrated with future designs. The Delta Vega Society, a faction of the Borg, has offered the Space Empire a non-agression treaty, which has been signed in agreement in all due haste. The Pegasus Reborn has conducted a battle against a Mevyap V, a Klingon vessel that was heavily damaged before the Pegasus Reborn has found it. The Mevyap V fell quickly before the Pegasus Reborn, it's damage too extensive for it to be capable of fighting effectively. The Pegasus Reborn moved to Trill III and removed a Klingon infestation. It continued to Trill II, repeated the process, and is now at rest in the Regulon System. That system contains three stars, which should accelerate the fuel recovery system greatly.

(The author's room aboard the Space Palace.)
The author removed himself from the desk he occupied, and decided that a short walk was in order. He opened an ornate door and stepped into a hallway that was a dull grey with a window that allowed one to examine the area outside the space station. The figure of the author continued it's journey and into a turbolift. He decided upon his destination: The game room. Upon reaching it, he examined his surroundings and designated where he will place himself. He walked towards a small and isolated cubicle and entered it. Upon entering it, he closed it's door and took a computer console. He scrolled through the available game options, and selected Space Empires X. He began playing, along with a large group of other players. The inside of the cubicle had many sounds and lights appear, though they seemed subdued, unlike most other games. He played through the night, his figure becoming more gaunt as he played on. Despite the small fridge that was his companion, he began to tire from exhaustion. Eventually he fell asleep at his desk. Hours later he woke up. He continued playing so that the game would not be delayed. To him the day became the night again and what joined the night was his defeat at the hands of another player. He removed himself from the desktop and returned to his domain. He took to sleep with a vengence. Once the bright sun appeared again, he awoke and resumed his work...

(The Space Palace control room.)
She gazed at what was on her screen, in awe. It was still hard for her to believe that such a large project was taking place, and would be completed in five months. The objects she was obsessing over was the new Starbase space station design. It weighed in at 2500kt, and it was to replace the original Space Palce. The Starbase appeared to be an extremely powerful thing, considering that it's weapons are capable of tearing down the shields and armor of enemy vessels, and that it can construct starships rather quickly, not to mention the advantages of having Earth and the Space Station MK.I nearby. It would make the capital of the Space Empire incredibly difficult to take. "Ahem" She turned quickly to the source, and faced the Grand Master. He began to speak. "What is the progress of the new Space Palace?" She replied, in a rather quiet and subdued voice: "Barely begun, but it will take only 5 months for it to be completed." She continued speaking. "Also sir, Project S, the greatest possible project we have ever embarked upon, has been going at a steady pace, but it will still take 24 or so more months, maybe even more." He nodded as he began stroking and tugging his beard, and began to speak once more. "I see. Carry on." He turned and left the command center, his course laid towards the conference room. She sighed, glad that nothing unfortunate occured to her. She knew from the base gossip and the like that he was a good person, but it was hard getting used to the man, considering he looked rather outlandish, with that beard and wearing black on a constant basis...

(Earth, at the Anaheim Electronics Research Center)
She picked up the cardboard box, and walked out of her lab for the final time. She felt disappointed, having just joined the research team, and now being laid off...it shattered her dreams of becoming a great scientist. Ever since the Grand Master decided to reduce the scientific efforts of the Space Empire by 99.99 percent, all of the labs have lost their funding, including the ones on the Earth. She entered a crowded elevator that was filled with many other people like herself, and barely managed to press the button that began the elevator's journey to the surface. Over the music the elevator generated, she heard the many grumbles and complaints that the other occupants had about the situation. They ranged from how unfair it was, to speculation as to why this occured. She tried to find a sliver of silver lining mentally and found it. After all, the economy was in a incredibly strong position, and seemed to be getting stronger without hesistation. In fact, the finances of the Space Empire have doubled over the Last 12 months, and was actually expected to quadruple over the next 12. At the very least, she would manage to get a decent residence, which is actually quite good in this day and age. The elvator created the customary "bing", and the doors opened to reveal a hallway that was already being modified to suit the building's new purpose. She walked through the halls, her high heels periodically clicking as she traversed the distance between the elevator and the exit of the building. An hour later, she reached her homestead. Within it's bowels, she activated her computer. Once it finished booting up, she initiated the E-Mail check and began to enter addresses into her web browser so that she may search for a new occupation. She heard the E-Mail application begin it's short sound effect that indicated new mail.

She saw there was only one. She opened it up, and lo behold, there was her new job. She quickly sent a reply. Within three weeks, she walked down the corridors of the building she vacated a month ago once again, working for the Civilian Intelligence Agency.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Originally posted by Sabin:
I will read that material during my meals. Thank you for providing the information required for the perusal of the matierial in question.

i predict the material will soon urge you in this direction: www.webscription.net

Baen's e-books. the whole book, with no passwords or time limits or weird formats. for those books not contained in the library, which generally only has about 40 books and only the first two in any series. you do have to buy them, but even with tax, it's about the price of a paperback. and, the first third of any book on there is free.

baen is my favorite publisher.

your writing is good and improving.

[Cipher7071]

As far as emotion is concerned, only you know the feelings you want to pass along. The trick is to get it on the page so that the reader perceives it as you intend. This is not always easy. For the most part, to my ear this reads as a history, but I see that you are beginning to dabble in the personal with your author character, and the unidentified female character in the paragraph after.

[ March 02, 2004, 13:29: Message edited by: Cipher7071 ]