Space Empires Volume 1: Space Empire

[Cipher7071]

Improvement noted. The first three paragraphs look pretty good. Then, as the action heats up, you run into a little trouble:

However, the Sovereign destroyed it, with a special weapon that tore right through the shields and hull of the unfortunate vessel, the Ram Phaser, which was a giant, and powerful, phaser that generated so much power, that it's attack potential was rated at 800, a truely devestating weapon, but can only be fired once every 3 minutes.

How about this instead:

However, the Sovereign destroyed it with a special weapon that tore right through the shields and hull of the unfortunate vessel. The a Ram Phaser, a giant and powerful weapon, generated so much power that it's attack potential was rated at 800. It was a truly devastating weapon, but could only be fired once every three minutes.

Smoother??

[ February 29, 2004, 14:18: Message edited by: Cipher7071 ]

[Sabin]

I will try to reduce the amount of commas.(again) In any case, is the writing for the action sequence too bland, or not emotional enough?

[narf poit chez BOOM]

you must study, young grasshopper. study with the best.

http://www.baen.com/library/067157793X/067157793X.htm

the baen library. totally free, totally legal.

[Sabin]

I will read that material during my meals. Thank you for providing the information required for the perusal of the matierial in question.

SPACE EMPIRES VOLUME I: Space Empire
Chapter VII: Operation Alteration
Stardate: 2443.07


Not much has been occuring recently, but it appears that events have been accelerating. The Space Empire has recently constructed a new vessel to head the fleet that has been assigned to destroy the Klingons. It should soon finish the repair work on the vessels in the fleet and move out. However, despite the ship being the latest Version of the Saber series, there still have been worries that the fleet is too hold to hold out well in combat, and would suffer heavy losses. The Pegasus Soaring was recently destroyed by space mines when it attempted to traverse a wormhole, unfortunately. A new crew has been selected for what has been now named the Pegasus Reborn.

This Version of the Pegasus series is to conduct further explorations, to check if there are any civilizations we are not aware of yet, and to survey enemy systems. The "Sovereign" a next-generation vessel design, appears to be nearing the final stages of re-design, assuring the quality of it. However, it has been decided that the design is to be reserved for a crisis, as a suprise for enemies of the Space Empire. The Pegasus Reborn has been launched, and it just left the Sol System. This flight of it is going to serve another purpose: To find out how improved the prototype fuel systems would work, in comparision to older models. It has been found that the older ships ran out of fuel quickly, and did not recover at an acceptable pace. Even during inactivity it took too long. The Pegasus Reborn has attacked a planet called Deneb Kaitos I, and removed the Klingon population and drone carrier. Next month, estimations of the fuel system's efficiency shall be complete.

The tests are positive. The fuel efficiency is sufficient enough to recover fuel reserves when need be, and the new system has been integrated with future designs. The Delta Vega Society, a faction of the Borg, has offered the Space Empire a non-agression treaty, which has been signed in agreement in all due haste. The Pegasus Reborn has conducted a battle against a Mevyap V, a Klingon vessel that was heavily damaged before the Pegasus Reborn has found it. The Mevyap V fell quickly before the Pegasus Reborn, it's damage too extensive for it to be capable of fighting effectively. The Pegasus Reborn moved to Trill III and removed a Klingon infestation. It continued to Trill II, repeated the process, and is now at rest in the Regulon System. That system contains three stars, which should accelerate the fuel recovery system greatly.

(The author's room aboard the Space Palace.)
The author removed himself from the desk he occupied, and decided that a short walk was in order. He opened an ornate door and stepped into a hallway that was a dull grey with a window that allowed one to examine the area outside the space station. The figure of the author continued it's journey and into a turbolift. He decided upon his destination: The game room. Upon reaching it, he examined his surroundings and designated where he will place himself. He walked towards a small and isolated cubicle and entered it. Upon entering it, he closed it's door and took a computer console. He scrolled through the available game options, and selected Space Empires X. He began playing, along with a large group of other players. The inside of the cubicle had many sounds and lights appear, though they seemed subdued, unlike most other games. He played through the night, his figure becoming more gaunt as he played on. Despite the small fridge that was his companion, he began to tire from exhaustion. Eventually he fell asleep at his desk. Hours later he woke up. He continued playing so that the game would not be delayed. To him the day became the night again and what joined the night was his defeat at the hands of another player. He removed himself from the desktop and returned to his domain. He took to sleep with a vengence. Once the bright sun appeared again, he awoke and resumed his work...

(The Space Palace control room.)
She gazed at what was on her screen, in awe. It was still hard for her to believe that such a large project was taking place, and would be completed in five months. The objects she was obsessing over was the new Starbase space station design. It weighed in at 2500kt, and it was to replace the original Space Palce. The Starbase appeared to be an extremely powerful thing, considering that it's weapons are capable of tearing down the shields and armor of enemy vessels, and that it can construct starships rather quickly, not to mention the advantages of having Earth and the Space Station MK.I nearby. It would make the capital of the Space Empire incredibly difficult to take. "Ahem" She turned quickly to the source, and faced the Grand Master. He began to speak. "What is the progress of the new Space Palace?" She replied, in a rather quiet and subdued voice: "Barely begun, but it will take only 5 months for it to be completed." She continued speaking. "Also sir, Project S, the greatest possible project we have ever embarked upon, has been going at a steady pace, but it will still take 24 or so more months, maybe even more." He nodded as he began stroking and tugging his beard, and began to speak once more. "I see. Carry on." He turned and left the command center, his course laid towards the conference room. She sighed, glad that nothing unfortunate occured to her. She knew from the base gossip and the like that he was a good person, but it was hard getting used to the man, considering he looked rather outlandish, with that beard and wearing black on a constant basis...

(Earth, at the Anaheim Electronics Research Center)
She picked up the cardboard box, and walked out of her lab for the final time. She felt disappointed, having just joined the research team, and now being laid off...it shattered her dreams of becoming a great scientist. Ever since the Grand Master decided to reduce the scientific efforts of the Space Empire by 99.99 percent, all of the labs have lost their funding, including the ones on the Earth. She entered a crowded elevator that was filled with many other people like herself, and barely managed to press the button that began the elevator's journey to the surface. Over the music the elevator generated, she heard the many grumbles and complaints that the other occupants had about the situation. They ranged from how unfair it was, to speculation as to why this occured. She tried to find a sliver of silver lining mentally and found it. After all, the economy was in a incredibly strong position, and seemed to be getting stronger without hesistation. In fact, the finances of the Space Empire have doubled over the Last 12 months, and was actually expected to quadruple over the next 12. At the very least, she would manage to get a decent residence, which is actually quite good in this day and age. The elvator created the customary "bing", and the doors opened to reveal a hallway that was already being modified to suit the building's new purpose. She walked through the halls, her high heels periodically clicking as she traversed the distance between the elevator and the exit of the building. An hour later, she reached her homestead. Within it's bowels, she activated her computer. Once it finished booting up, she initiated the E-Mail check and began to enter addresses into her web browser so that she may search for a new occupation. She heard the E-Mail application begin it's short sound effect that indicated new mail.

She saw there was only one. She opened it up, and lo behold, there was her new job. She quickly sent a reply. Within three weeks, she walked down the corridors of the building she vacated a month ago once again, working for the Civilian Intelligence Agency.

[narf poit chez BOOM]

Originally posted by Sabin:
I will read that material during my meals. Thank you for providing the information required for the perusal of the matierial in question.

i predict the material will soon urge you in this direction: www.webscription.net

Baen's e-books. the whole book, with no passwords or time limits or weird formats. for those books not contained in the library, which generally only has about 40 books and only the first two in any series. you do have to buy them, but even with tax, it's about the price of a paperback. and, the first third of any book on there is free.

baen is my favorite publisher.

your writing is good and improving.

[Cipher7071]

As far as emotion is concerned, only you know the feelings you want to pass along. The trick is to get it on the page so that the reader perceives it as you intend. This is not always easy. For the most part, to my ear this reads as a history, but I see that you are beginning to dabble in the personal with your author character, and the unidentified female character in the paragraph after.

[ March 02, 2004, 13:29: Message edited by: Cipher7071 ]

[Sabin]

I am concentrating on creating more "emotion" and "atmosphere" in my work. This chapter is one such work attempting to use those elements.

SPACE EMPIRES VOLUME I: Space Empire
Chapter VIII: The Future of Nananki
Stardate: 2450.02


(The Space Station Atlas)
She felt nervous. This was her first time being in space, or in this case, a space station. She felt slightly dizzy, despite the few hours she already spent in space. She shrugged the sensation off, and concentrated on getting to her destination. She was to meet Grand Master Sabin. The area around her was a lobbey that lead to the inside of Atlas. She began her journey down the sterile and brightly lit hall, following the electronic guiding lights that assisted persons who were new to the station to their destinations. The yellow line led her through many areas, eventually to the brain of Atlas: The command center, where the command personal carried out their tasks with the assistance of the super computer that most space vehicles were equipped with. A man strode up to her, and asked a question. "You are miss Nananki?" She replied "Yes." He smiled and continued to speak "Please follow me, the Grand Master awaits." She followed him. The room they traveled through had many voices and sounds occur, ranging from the common to the exotic, many of which belonged to various person who wore their uniforms, that were usually blue or white. The man stopped in front of a door. "Please enter and stay there. The Grand Master shall arrive shortly."

The door opened for her, and she entered a room that had no one in it, not even a guard. The door closed behind her with a whisper. She looked about the room. It had a conference table with many chairs, ornate pictures and other artistic items, and so on. She walked towards a mirror, and stepped in front of it. She examined of image, and adjusted her clothing yet again. She cleared her mind, she felt that meeting the head of the Space Empire would be one of the most important events in her life, especially considering that this is her first time. She heard a door slide open, and she turned to where the sound originated, her mind ready to meet him. She saw a large man in a white robe. She decided he was not the Grand Master, since his looks suggested that he was a minor person in the scheme of things. He queried her, asking "Who are you, miss?" She decided to be civil and reply to him. "I am Mirai Nananki." He nodded. "Please follow me, we have much to discuss." She let out a slight gasp, and felt her face heating up in embarassment and asked "You are the Grand Master?" He turned around and replied "Yes." She was set on edge by her gaffe, and followed him. Her mind was already trying to think of way to say sorry to him about her disrespect, the methods ranging from the mudane to the exotic. She quickly reduced her choices down to a single one, and got prepared to ask for forgiveness.

They entered a room, and within it, she was suprised by the contents. She realized that it was unlike any room she has ever seen for an executive officer to have. It had many electronic posters of various giant robots, a bunk-bed, computer, closet and some other such items. The room was highly personalized to the occupant's tastes indeed. She always thought that a great official, especially the head of an empire, would have many artifacts, treasures, and the like. Apparantly, she was wrong-again. He guided her to another door, and within it she saw a well-furnished dining room. He turned to her and said, "Feel free to explore this room and the other one for the next 15 or so minutes, while I complete the final preparations." He turned and walked through a different enterance, and when the door closed behind him, she sighed with relief. She expected anything but this, thus far. Deciding to accept his invitation, she walked about the room that had the posters. The first item that caught her attention was a bookshelf. She examined it, and quickly discovered that it only held ADs, or Advanced Disks. Advanced Disks can hold any sort of media, and they could hold over many videogames, e-books, videos, and so on. Each disk was used for a specific purpose, according to the labeling for each box. One for example was about "Mecha", another about "The History Channel Complete", and so on.

She explored the rest of the room and soon returned to the dining room. The door that the Grand Master entered, opened. Through it came a cart pushed by the Grand Master himself. He placed the contents of the cart on the dining table, and returned to the kitchen. After repeating the process several times, he eventually stopped and prepared the table. When he felt he had prepared it sufficiently, he picked up the lid of a dish. The food revealed made Mirai realize she was quite hungery. He gave her permission to eat, and let her enjoy herself. After few moments, he coughed slightly. Having caught her attention, he began to speak. "Miss Mirai Nananki, you no doubt wonder why I have summoned you to Atlas." He continued. "I have made arrangements for you to be the Head of Intelligence aboard the new Space Palace. She nearly choked on her food, and then stared at him, as he continued to speak. "Furthermore, you have been assigned a berth aboard the Atlas so that you may become familar with the general layout and conduct that is used on a space station." He got out of his chair, and began walking towards his bedroom. "I will handle the leftovers when you leave, so just enjoy yourself until you are content."

She mulled over what he had said, and promptly opened a bottle of apple cider so that she may be distracted by the taste of the excellent beverage. However, she still couldn't think very well about the situation yet. She knew that her abilities at intelligence activities were great, but to the extent that she was considered that important? She thought back to what she may lose: her scientific career on Earth...but it already was lost, it seemed. She decided that she couldn't refute the Grand Master's decision. She soon left the room, forgetting to ask about where she is to be placed aboard the station as of now. Fortunately for her, a woman was waiting for her. The lady began to speak "Miss Nananki, your room is right over there." The lady pointed a finger towards a door down the hall. Apparantly, the higher staff of the Space Empire resided in this hall, not just the Grand Master. Many hours later, Nananki got ready to go somewhere else. More specifically, a party/press conference that would tell the public and the rest of the staff of the position she recieved. She looked at the dresser mirror, looking at her new uniform. It was a fairly standard white uniform designed for woman. It for the most part was white and had occaisional grey and gold designs, along with a patch that indicated her position as the head intelligence officer. She could also wear a number of optional items, including a baret, cloak, white gloves/boots, and pantyhose. However, they usually were only used for special occaisions, and thus she was now wearing all of the items. The uniform itself was a tough item, being made for the duel purpose of being functional and decorative, like most uniforms.

She left her suite, and soon arrived at the command center once more. She was quickly lead to a platform where she was supposed to conduct her speech...