The bigger you are...

[Fyron]

Ok, you asked for grammatical critiquing, so here it is.

Quotes and the stating of who said them should be separated by commas, not periods. This set:

"Order the Potemkin to fall back. Ravager and Osired are to escort her." Admiral Roeding ordered, clutching at the railing before him.

Should instead be:

"Order the Potemkin to fall back. Ravager and Osired are to escort her," Admiral Roeding ordered, clutching at the railing before him.

You've repeated this everywhere. Only when there is a question or exclamation do you use that instead of a comma.

Also, it is generally better to say who said it in the first sentence, rather than the second. This point isn't quite necessary if I remember correctly, so don't worry too much about it. As long as it is fairly close to the beginning of the paragraph it should be fine.