No title yet. Just another story thread.

[dumbluck]

AgentZero said:
... and you don't have any naked redheads.

Yummy!

[dogscoff]

You want proper crits? Ok.

I like the way you set the backstory (ie a colony of humans reduced to barbarism while the rest of humanity is still in space) without out crowbarring it into expositionary dialogue or narration. Little hints like the "ash-wastes" add depth to the backstory without slowing the story down.
This is economy of writing, and it's what makes good story-telling.

You also got my interest regarding the upcoming meeting between the tribe and the ship-people. The shaman's reaction to their appearance should be interesting, and the potential for trouble is high.

I'm also curoius as to just what the "flickering great spirits" might be. Stars? Flames? Aurora? Some local cosmological phenomenom? Some kind of radiation effect left over from the holocaust?

Spelling and grammar definitely wants looking at, as you pointed out yourself.

There are moments when the language and punctuation are a little unwieldy too- for example the word "aforementioned" in the first paragraph only serves to clumsy up an otherwise elegant, almost romantic bit of scene-setting.

I'm also in two minds about Case's reaction to the hat. He doesn't know what a navy *is*, so it seems odd that he should be able to associate it with the stars and all his teenage restlessness. That said, I do like the way that you've turned the stereotypoe on its head: The archetype is for the wistful teenager to be tied to a home and location and dreaming of far away places and exploration. In Case's case, he's a nomad who dreams of settling down.

However, I would kind of expect the hat to make him at least a little nervous, since the only military he knows about (apparently) are these "Order soldiers" who appear to be a threat. Nonetheless the hat is a great device for focussing his discontentment, sneaking in a little more backstory, introducing him to the guys in the spacechip above and also (I'm guessing) touching upon Case's own heritage. I'd be very interested to know whether the hat is new or old: Has it be dropped off recently by off-world visitors (I could imagine slavers, traders and pirates might stop by the planet occasionally) or has it been kicking around the planet's surface for however many dozens of generations since the world was glassed?

Anyway, those are my thoughts on whaty you've written so far. Like I said in my previous post, I'm liking the story and eagerly waiting for more.

[cshank2]

Thanks, Dog. I'll touch it up when I get some time. The Order will be explained in the next chapter, and the planet is practically all barbarian except for a few places and maybe one or two cities that have formed.

The flickering great spirits... yeah... That didn't sound good when I was writing it, but I meant the stars. Most ancient civilizations thought of the stars as ancestor-spirits and everything.

The rest will be explained... when it's finished! Hrf.