Advise

Wardad · #1 February 14th, 2003, 01:46 AM

Valentine Card to Osama
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with new found pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of that mother####er!"

Wardad · #2 February 14th, 2003, 02:02 AM

A list of rules that guys wished women knew...

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.

2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

3. Don't make us guess.

4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.

8. Dogs are better than cats.

9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.

11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

12. You have enough clothes.

13. You have too many shoes.

14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

15. Your brother is an idiot.

16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a Calendar.

18. Share the bathroom

19. Share the closet.

20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

21. A headache that Lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

24. Check your oil.

25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

29. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

30. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

31. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.

32. Don't make 50 rules when 32 will do.

Kamog · #3 February 14th, 2003, 10:42 AM

LOL! Those are great, Wardad!

mlmbd · #4 February 14th, 2003, 09:02 PM

Wardad, again, you slay me!!! LOL

If I recover, from laughing, I may add/alter your list!

mlmbd

Erax · #5 February 15th, 2003, 10:29 PM

Hey Wardad, I like cats ! In fact we (my wife and I) have 6...

Slick · #6 February 15th, 2003, 10:37 PM

A married man can be either happy or right, but not both.

[edit: and very possibly neither!]

Slick.

[ February 15, 2003, 21:27: Message edited by: Slick ]

Wardad · #7 February 19th, 2003, 01:06 AM

Your problem's lying in your bed," the director said to me,
"Murder is easy if you take it logically.
It's more fun if he's struggling to get free,"
There must be fifty ways to kill your lover.

She said, "it's really not my habit to be rude,
Furthermore, I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued,
But the film won't sell if he's only getting screwed,"
There must be fifty ways to kill your lover.

Just stab him in the back, Pat,
Shoot out his spleen, Kathleen,
Poison his tea, Dee,
Before he gets his hands free....

Just feed him some Spam, Ma'am
No need to disguise it much...
It'll take him out clean.

She said, "it grieves me so to see you pause again,
I wish you'd do it so we'd print this scene by ten."
I said, "I appreciate that, and would you please explain
About the fifty ways?"

The director said, "we'll rehearse it again tonight,
And I'm sure that when we film it, the scene will go just right;"
She gave me an icepick and then I saw the light--
There must be fifty ways to kill your lover!

Just blow out his brains, Jane,
Set fire to his yacht, Dot,
Cut the brake hose, Rose,
And then the plot flows....

Just feed him some Spam, Ma'am
No need to disguise it much...
It'll take him out clean.